Death - 3

I am numb. I feel quiet. Absolutely quiet.  I have no words. I still cant believe it. I lost my aunt on friday and havent still come to terms with it. 

I feel a big void in my heart. I dont even want to analyse it, and yet I cant keep quiet, the silence is killing me. 

I want to hold her .. I want to  hold her so badly ... may be  just some part of her and yet she has dissolved into .... I dont know what, and I can do nothing about it.

 It was just a matter of 5 minutes. 

Pride, achievement, honour, loyalty, ethics, principles, self respect, charity, security, fame, money are mere hollow words ...  All you are left with are a handful of ashes. And you can do nothing about it .. nothing.

few voices

भाजी कशी दिली ?
५ रुपया ला दोन जुड्या
ओ...ओ.... चार ला घ्या हो ताई ... aika न

हे shewatche घेउन ja हो taai, दुपार पासून बस्लोया
kitila ?
तीन रुपये
दोन madhe detos का ?
........
.......
घ्या

एक भेल घेऊ का दोन ?
एक , सगल्यान एक एक
8 rupayaa chi haay
जा tikada ... nemicha
..........
...........
दोन bheL dyaa

Choice 2

I got up in the morning, was planning to go out,

nothing unusual, just to get some bread and sprout

But as i was steeping out, I thought of all the ants,

who might get crushed as I walk by in all my ignorance.

I thought of an accident which might take place,

Ofcourse i will be careful, but not the child careless.

I thought of the beggar, i will face down the street next,

will it be right to give him money or I just walk by, thats best !

I can by a foolish remark, hurt somebody's sentiment,

or ask a question innocently, that can cause torment.

After thinking a lot, I decided not to go,

all the while being careful, not to step on the ants at home.

At night I got to know, somebody needed help in the morning,

he was waiting on the road, i always go walking.

I sighed feeling sad, and went to bed hungry,

I had not brought the sprouts, .... probably, the beggar too shared my misery.

Choice

Every morning I getup and breathe, I feel like the butterfly whose mere flapping of wings may cause a tornado somewhere. Its all about choices, isnt it ?

Let me

Let me sit and talk to myself today,

about a hundred things unsaid,

buried deep in my heart, afraid to uncover.

Let me accept my mistakes,

and accept there will be more,

let me shout it loud for once, i am an ordinary mortal

Let me  accept my mediocrity,

and all my bourgeois ambitions,

let me throw off all the load that accompanies expectations

Let me for once be free, 

to do whatever i want,

and neither feel superior nor regret it at all

Let me clean out the need,

to be somebody else,

to be popular, to be vocal, to be winning always

and now let me do everything i can,

never measuring it up,

just do it because i want to.

Death

I have never felt so close to death as i did yesterday ... it almost felt as if it was just a matter of choice - no strings attached. For a moment I thought of how sad my family will be ... i could even imagine their faces and then it dawned on me ... i will never be around to see the pain ! I mean evrything will just stop .. I will never know what happens next ... nobody to tell the story ...  so simple really ! (Death looks beautiful in the movies .. when there is somebody to tell you what happens next) 

So why did i want to die .. welll cos i dont really like anything .... i mean i have no complaints, but i have no passion either. and having realised that u can never know the truth  its only a pain to go through the everyday ritual. 

But wait ... something stuck me  .. if nothing really matters i should be more free ... If i am free to make choices of death, am i not free to choose in life ? 

P.S - I am perfectly safe and watching Biwi No 1 .. please do not worry or speculate 

Irony

I had been to FTII this morning, nice campus I must say. As i was on my way out, a group of students approached me. They needed a girl as one of the characters for their assignment. i agreed. We started with the set up.

They were given a 6 shot assignment. They had to depict a complete story in 6 frames or photographs. Somebody had chopped off a tree in their campus. In The first shot we were to look worried beside the chopped tree. In the last shot we were to plant a new sapling. 

(Wow i thought ! that was so simple, natural, constructive, practical and peaceful. I wish the different religious communities, sub communities, sub sub communities ... were listening.)

I liked the plan. We began shooting. At the last shot they realised - Hey we need a sapling to plant ...  Somebody quickly went and uprooted one. I am sure they will get an A+.